Miley Cyrus, in her ongoing attempt to prove to her adoring public how she is officially A Woman now, has announced that she is going to get hitched to her boyfriend Liam Hemsworth “for, like, forever n stuff.”
Well, mazel tov, Miley! Cheers to an entire lifetime of wedded bliss, or at the very least a year or two of moderately favorable press coverage. But planning a wedding is hard—the etiquette, the décor, the dress code, dealing with friends and family—and Miley, while totally A Woman, is a fairly young woman, so she might need a little guidance in knowing what’s appropriate and what’s not. (We have a feeling that her mom is not exactly a force of reason in her life.) So here are some wedding dos and don’ts that should help Miley make her big day more fairy tale fete and less hillbilly hoedown.
1. Do NOT Sing at Your Own Wedding
Seriously, don’t. It’s a huge temptation for performers, and even if they don’t have the inclination to do it, it’s very common for friends and family to suggest it. But no matter whose idea it is, it’s tacky, tacky, tacky. Especially if the singer’s music tends to be more of the “cutoff shorts and stripper pole” variety. Consider this rule of thumb: Frank Sinatra and Whitney Houston did not sing at their own weddings. If they didn’t, nobody else gets to, either.
2. Do NOT Choose a Dress By Virtue of Its “Womanliness”
Yes, Miley. You are A Woman. You are not a little girl anymore. You are all grown up and mature and in control and legal and sexy and adult. We have no problem with this; it’s how life works. So just choose something nice and sensible that is comfy and flattering. Don’t feel like the only way to prove your womanhood is by wearing the skimpiest, sluttiest, most spangled set of pasties you can find. This is a bad idea. “Wow, when I look back at my wedding pictures, I wish I looked more like a stripper,” said nobody ever.
3. Do NOT Listen to Your Mom
Your mom Tish may try to give you advice. Do not take it. After all, she once dated Bret Michaels. (not retro Bret; modern Bret who has hung out on a bus with VH1 contestants for years.) This demonstrates poor judgment.
4. Do NOT Listen to Your Dad
Your dad Billy Ray once thought that this was a really hot, happenin’ look.
This demonstrates poor judgment.
5. Do NOT Let the Tabloids Document It
Various celeb rags may offer you money to let them photograph your shower, bachelorette party, dress shopping excursions, ceremony, and honeymoon. If there’s one thing that the Kim Kardashian saga has taught us, it’s that going down this path will leave you divorced, disgraced, and dating a douchebag like Kanye West. Avoid.
6. Do NOT Record a Song Together
Or film a video together or do any other type of collaboration on your upcoming album. You’re young, Miley, but some of us remember 2003, when Jennifer Lopez’s video for “Jenny From the Block” featured her relationship with then-boyfriend Ben Affleck, in a thinly fictionalized account of their tabloid life together. It was intended as a statement on how happy they were and how they were soulmates and how awesome it was to be Bennifer 4-eva and GIANT PINK DIAMOND. At this moment, are you thinking, Wait—so Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez dated? Exactly.
7. Do NOT Have a Baby Right Away
This is hard to say, Miley, but the fact is, a lot of people who get married young don’t stay married long. That’s just a fact, don’t hate us! Sure, that kid from Hansen got married at like fourteen and is apparently wildly happy with a passel of Christian children out in Oklahoma, but he seems to be the exception. Britney Spears, Macaulay Culkin, Drew Barrymore, Kate Hudson, and LeAnn Rimes all got married really young, too, and you know how that turned out. Culkin, Barrymore, and Rimes are the only ones who didn’t pop out kids right away, and they’re the ones who have moved on the most gracefully. Having a child is a lot more than a good way to prove to the world that you’re having sex. (Yes, Miley, we get it. You’re A Woman.)
8. Do Sign a Prenup