Saturday, 16 June 2012

The Many (Lame) Excuses of Lindsay Lohan

If there’s one thing Lindsay Lohan is good for, it’s entertainment.

Oh, not entertainment as in the movies she acts in or the music she records (does she still do either of those things? Please advise.) We mean the entertainment that she kindly provides the world by acting like the world’s biggest, most clueless drugged-up moron. Seriously—in Hollywood right now, writers are scratching their heads, thinking, Why didn’t we come up with this stuff?

While we love cackling at her rotting teeth or her bloated, distended face, what really warms our cold, black hearts are the myriad creative excuses that she gives for why nothing is ever, ever her fault.

Lame Excuse #1: That Truck Cut Me Off

Just this past week, Lindsay’s rented Porsche got into a tangle with a semi truck in Santa Monica. It was the truck’s fault, though; Lindsay claims he cut her off. Also, she tried to stop and her brakes failed.

Lame Excuse #2: The Black Guy Did It

Back in the summer of 2007, Lindsay got angry with her assistant and decided to hijack an SUV, embarking on a high-speed chase through Santa Monica. A great plan, but one that was complicated by the fact that there were three men in the car when she got in. When the cops finally intervened, Lindsay reportedly defended her honor by saying, “I wasn’t driving; the black kid was.”

Lame Excuse #3: Someone Else Put Cocaine In My Pants

During the investigation of this exact same infraction, police discovered a bag of cocaine in her pants pocket. Sorry—not her pants pocket, just the pocket of the pants that she happened to be wearing at that particular moment. They totally weren’t hers. Lindsay told police that she was wearing someone else’s pants. Case closed!

Lame Excuse #4: Someone Stole My Passport

In May 2010, Lindsay had a planned court date where she was to answer for missing her alcohol education classes. In anticipation of this important event, she decided to go to France for the Cannes Film Festival. Unfortunately for LiLo, Cannes and the celebrities who attend tend to make the news, so prosecutors were a little miffed that she was partying along the Cote d’Azur when she was supposed to be atoning in Los Angeles. But it totally wasn’t Lindsay’s fault, because someone stole her passport, leaving her stranded in France.

Lame Excuse #5: I Couldn't Do Community Service Because the Staff Was Mean

Lindsay was ordered to do community service at the Downtown Women’s Center in Los Angeles, for at least four hours each day. Staffers reported to the judge that Lindsay repeatedly left after less than an hour. When the judge asked her why she did not stay for the required amount of time, Lindsay explained that the staff was really mean to her and that’s why she didn’t stay. Duh.

Lame Excuse #6: The Anklet Malfunctioned

Remember when Lindsay was sentenced to house arrest and had to wear a monitoring anklet? Remember when the bracelet went off and summoned the police? That was because it was defective and had a malfunction, not because Lindsay did anything that would go against her probation. Whoever would believe that Lindsay Lohan would do something to violate her probation? Her rep said that when the cops arrived, Lindsay was just relaxing at home and reading scripts, just like a beautiful little angel.

Lame Excuse #7: I Didn't Steal That Necklace, They Loaned It To Me

Lots of stores let you take their merchandise without paying for it, so that’s why Lindsay was confused in February 2011 when an L.A. jeweler claimed that Lindsay had stolen a $2500 necklace. She said that they offered to loan it to her, and that she was just sooo busy working that she hadn’t had a chance to return it yet. See? There’s an innocent explanation for everything.

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